Knowing My Strength
So let me , the stranger you never met , tell you my deepest fears and feelings that I have went through the last two days .
Being the oldest in a small family isn't as great as I thought it would be , I was always given responsibility , always felt like I needed to have it all together , not just for me but for everyone , I felt like I was the one that had to take care of everyone even from a young age when high school teenagers would be too busy thinking about boys and relationships and being 'cool' , I was more busy thinking about family . But I didn't need to and no one asked me to worry and think about every little detail when I was still just growing up but I did. I always did because I felt this huge liability to do so but I was never put into a situation where I needed to take full control of things , not until a few days ago.
My dad has had diabetes for years and dealt with a heart attack 2 years ago , that I didn't know about because I was on campus when it happened and it sucked because he spent days in the hospital and no one told me so that I wouldn't worry so I didn't see what happened and I didn't go through the trauma that my mother and my brother had to go through. After I found out , I cried and felt completely paranoid every second I was away from home and I thought that the only way I could deal with it was talk about it in front of people so I did , I had a presentation about anxiety and panic attacks and I mentioned how I have went through them when I found out about my dad's heart attack. I didn't go in front of those people and talk about a personal issue like this to see their pitiful faces looking back at me or have them hug and tell me that everything is fine , no I did it because I needed to know my strength , I needed to believe that I am okay and that I am getting through this and that everything is fine. The only way I could do that was if I talked about it . Although I regret talking about it now because I would much rather write it down here But I did what I had to do to feel okay.
Back to now , my dad has been feeling pain in his back for the last few days , It was just a backache , it wouldn't do anything to anyone , just some home remedies and you are good to go But no that wasn't the case . He couldn't move , my mum and I had to hold him to get him from the living room to the bedroom , my brother was asleep , he had no idea what was going on . Once we got to the bedroom , we sat him by the end of the bed , he was screaming in pain , we were still fine trying to help him until my mother went to look for any medication that can help and I stayed with him . He held into my two arms and started falling to the side of the bed and told me to call an ambulance and that he felt like he was having a heart attack again. I held him back up and screamed at my mum to call the ambulance , I held his two arms and told him to not close his eyes and to keep looking at me , and I kept telling him to breath in and out and to hold my hands, he was sweating , he was closing and opening his eyes , he even wet the bed without noticing and I didn't know what was happening. My mother could barely talk to the ambulance , she was screaming and shaking . All I could think of was , I don' t want him to die in my arms , and I didn't even know what I was doing but I tried to keep him stable and awake and check his pulse until he was stable enough till the ambulance arrived. Mum was freaked out and deep down I was too but someone had to take control of things so I got his clothes , his wallet , the car keys and everything else we needed for the hospital and stayed by his side making sure he is conscious and he wasn't having chest pains.
The ambulance came , they took his blood pressure , his heart rate and everything was fine. He didn't have a heart attack but he still had back pain and couldn't move. I asked mom if she could drive and she said she could so I told her to go to the hospital and I got with him in the ambulance car. I got him into the hospital and registered his name , told them exactly what happened . we got him into a room and they ran some tests on him and put him on pain killers. My mother was googling every symptom he had which I knew wasn't a good idea but she wouldn't listen she was sat on the side , lost in her own dark thoughts whilst I was trying to figure out everything that just happened. Once I made sure he was resting and okay , I paid full attention to mum , her eyes were red , she was barely holding herself together , I needed to be there for her. I took her for a walk and tried to calm her down , kept telling her to have faith that Allah is never going to leave us alone , that no matter what happens , he will always be there and that we will be okay. Once I calmed her down and my dad's tests came back okay and we got all the medications we needed , we came back home.
And as everyone went to sleep and rest , I stayed wide awake. I did not cry , I did not scream , I just stared into distance. It was the first time I truly felt needed , the first time I truly felt the weight of the responsibility I always had. In the moment everything went down , I felt that everyone had me to depend on but that I didn't have anyone to depend on but Allah and myself. He showed me my strength that I never thought I had. It's like he was there with me to get me through everything without me even realizing it. It was scary to be in control of a whole family at 21 , thinking of explaining the whole situation to my 16 year old brother , thinking of being a shoulder for my mother to lean on and thinking of being my father's support system in every aspect of his life when he was still mine. It was all too much when you have no other person to break down to , I didn't tell any of my friends because I just wanted to deal with it on my own, I felt like no one could understand the emotions that I went through. But at the same time , it was calming in a sense , not needing anyone but Allah , crying and breaking down to him because he understood me. It just , it messes you up when shit like this happens because one second you're thinking Why God why me? and then another you feel like your faith and belief just grew stronger and stronger.
We were born in this life to experience the good AND the bad , how else will our faith be tested? And even though we all worry of the bad things that we have to go through in this mortal life , we all should just remember that whatever bad shit that has happened or might happen to you , it's nothing that God knows you can't handle.
