A 4 am confession ...
November 28, 2016I read a tweet one day that said ' You're not lost if you're wandering, you're lost when you start to believe you've fully found yourself ' . And it got me thinking of what I have put myself through the past couple of months . I never thought I would be that kind of person who can't be as strong as I should've had been . I think the reason I am writing this is because I want to know , are there people out there who can fully grasp what I went through and get me without me trying to explain or do I have to defend myself in front of everyone on this earth ?
I was having dinner with my roommates when I found out I didn't do well in a course of mine and no it wasn't a bad mark and it wasn't the reason behind this whole thing . I was just looking for something to ruin my day , to make me miserable and to make me wish I wasn't where I was at the time .
So I had a semi-mental breakdown or anxiety attack , and I started crying non-stop , I called my best friend who lived way too far to come comfort me and I called my mom hyperventilating because I couldn't take it anymore .
It wasn't the mark that upset me , It was the fact that I am working my arse off everyday for something I don't even want to study , it is not my passion , it is not what I dreamed of ever .
It just felt like I was working and studying for nothing .
I remember , two girls leaving the mosque in our dorm when they saw my face , probably wondering what the heck happened .
I remember sitting on the kitchen floor with the lights turned off , talking to my mum and dad , telling them how sorry I am because I couldn't appreciate that that's all what they can do for me , telling them how hard it is to be reminded every single day that I can't be at the place I want to be at and I can't study something i am deeply interested in .
I never in my entire life , went through something like that , where I couldn't breath because I just felt like someone was strangling me , I never went through something where I felt empty from the inside . I was pulling back my hair tightly with the phone in my shaking hand .
I thought that I completely lost it .
And maybe I did .
My eyes stayed puffy for about 3 days , my parents couldn't sleep that night , they have never seen me this way or technically heard me this way .
I was shocked and I still am to this day , I just keep remembering how messed up I was , I mean I know that I don't have anxiety but it felt like it .
It was a simple thing really , like I am not the first one that her dreams were being taken away from her and certainly not the last .
But to me It was important and it affected me so much and each and everyday I try to get over it and forget but something keeps pulling me back to it as if I am being told that my dream isn't over yet ...
Be patient , wait .
Hopefully , I am being realistic this time ....
Now i know that no one would probably answer me right away but has anyone ever felt this way ? Has anyone had that type of feeling before ... tell me , I want to know , your problems may be simpler or even bigger than mine but sooner or later you need someone to vent to ... and I would be very happy to be that someone .
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